Real and honest here. This year was rough. This blog is meant to be an outlet for me, so I felt I needed to put into words what has been happening. Writing it out is a coping method for me. I'm going to be writing about struggles from this past year that include my faith. I know it is not every person's choice, so I want to make it clear that I am not trying to push this matter on anyone. My faith is a part of my identity, and what I have gone through is now a part of my testimony. I feel it will make things more clear if I explain all my thoughts, including my faith.
To start from the beginning, I moved out of my parent's house to continue my college career in South Carolina. I've always wanted to be a Gamecock and follow in my grandparent's footsteps; it was all falling into place. Or so I thought. A few months after moving into my grandparent's house we found out my grandfather had pancreatic cancer. By going through this process, I know that more and more people know this pain. It was the second time my grandfather announced he had cancer, so for me it didn't register as a major problem. Given, my faith came into prospective because there is no such this as a major problem when you place your faith in the Lord. I grew up in a household where God's timing is how we thrive. The treatment method we found truly was God's timing because it normally wouldn't have been as quick if we didn't have the Lord move with certain people and their influence. We had hope, but I had to constantly remind myself it was not what I needed to put my whole hope in. Because medicine can only do so much.
I started at a new school and a job, which both kept me extremely busy. After a few months at the new job I got promoted, which was a major blessing. I was finally feeling like I was moving somewhere in my career path. I thought it was all working out and going great. Halfway through the semester is when we found out he had cancer. My grandfather was one of my heroes. I was one of his princesses, who he sat with in the hospital multiple times each day while I was in the NICU. It was numbing hearing the news.
I visited my parents in Massachusetts for the holidays, which was something my heart needed. I had to rely heavily on my family during this year. Once I started the 2018 spring semester, things related to the cancer seemed to become positive. But my grandfather was still not 100% willing to go through with chemo. He did it for my family. Halfway through the semester things started to decline. The last month of the semester is when we heard that the cancer was spreading to his lungs. Trying to juggle the rest of my semester without failing my classes, my job, and my emotional and spiritual life just about broke me. I had to finish with an 'A' in the hardest class of the semester, and an acceptance into the University of South Carolina. The first I promised him, and the second I prayed happened. The time I told him I fulfilled my promise of my grade was the last time I heard him speak. We wondered why this pain was dragging out, but I heard the news of my acceptance and knew I needed to tell him once I got home that day. With tears that the prayer was answered with time to tell him in person, I told him I would be by the football field where he used to play as a fellow USC student. Less than 24 hours after that moment my grandfather took his last breath. I knew it was his last act of love for me. I know these situations are all in God's timing, but I like to think he held on a little longer to hear this news.
There was grace and mercy on my family that we got to share the last few months with him, and it wasn't a sudden death. Throughout the months we were able to grieve step by step. To be honest I am still grieving just as heavily now, which is why I stepped away from everything in South Carolina to try something different for the summer. I needed to grieve on my own and in a place I felt comfortable and away from everything. So I quit my retail job and found a different field of work for the summer. A family from my church on Cape Cod allowed me a chance to get away and are feeding (with fantastic food, might I add) and sheltering me for the summer.
I'm gonna get real deep for this paragraph, but it's what has been running through mind this whole time. I've never truly thought of death, which I am sad about considering my faith. I should've thought of it on a deeper level. I've always known about Christ and the cross almost my entire life. I had the knowledge but not the depth of the belief. It's hard to think about the fact that when I pray that my grandfather is right by the God that is hearing my prayers. The concept of eternity, death, and spiritual warfare are subjects we will never have full knowledge on, but it's where the power of God comes in. Because He is the one to have that knowledge, that may be too powerful and unnecessary for humans to have. Because through everything, the only thing I need to know, as a Christian, is that in the end nothing else matters after our speck of life then worshiping the power of my God. The Gospel was and is breathing to me in this experience. A loved one of mine was dying, and the fact that it was after the news of my acceptance led me to really ponder on how it related to Jesus and the Lord on how the cross works. That Jesus bared the pain to hear the news that His Father and Himself now have an everlasting relationship with us. Hope. It's the other thing I have learned through this. As a believer I have heard numerous times of people asking why God would let something this bad happen. And I truly don't have an answer for that. Because the answer is the Gospel. The answer is in what the Lord can offer you. Hope and peace. I had put my hope in the medicine, and as it was working I put more and more hope in it. Wrong move. The hope that people always talked about, I realized, was eternity. The hope was Jesus opening that gate to heaven that we believers may see each other again. Hope is not earthly. Which is why we can't expect it to be given to us on this earth. It is divine, and it can be given to us through grace that the Lord provides.
I have felt that maybe this is a turning point in my life for every aspect. My relationship with God, my career, my friends. So coming to the place that this outlet really started was needed. I needed to get my inspiration back. To really think on my own and dig deep on what I want and need as an individual person. I've wanted to stay in fashion because I enjoy it. But doubt has crept in, which is why I needed to step away from this blog. I felt forceful with posts. I wanted to make a career with this blog and money needed to come out of it. It didn't feel natural to sit for hours and pin every look-a-like item I was wearing to affiliate links. So after thinking it through, I will not be posting outfit details unless asked for. I may do it when I feel like adding them, which is normally when there is a great deal I want all of you to know about. But, I don't want this to any longer be a weary thing for me, and finding ways to make money out of it is becoming weary. I may down the road try and pick up the business side of it again. This may not be appealing, especially for you as the reader. But I want this to be a site that is comfortable for you. If you want to know a detail of the outfit or post, please comment. I would love to talk with you. I also want to branch out in subjects that may not be solely fashion related, so I may have some random content that will pop up.
With all of this said, I want this to be a apart of a community, and not just some place you find outfit details. Which is why I am doing something that you as the reader may not be into. But I want you to come to me and tell me what you are looking for, so I can still give you that. I want to be honest on here, which is why the post is all over the place and completely off topic of normal for LSTF. I also am looking into changing the name, so don't be alarmed if that happens. It's just another way I am thinking of "re-branding" in a sense.
If you have made it all the way through this, then congrats to you my friend! And thank you. For hearing these words.
Catharine
